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Post by Athuraadd Fallonkreath on Mar 17, 2014 0:05:48 GMT
"I think... I think you already told me."
Athie felt his eyes clamp slowly shut. He recognised that tone of voice. When he was seven years old, his mother had pulled him aside one day and broke to him the news that his grandfather had passed away. Of course, the situation here differed greatly, but the same breaking of news you didn't want to hear was all too familiar. That vocal expression, draped in the guise of comfort to shield the ears from a blow that was never going to be welcome; 'I'm here for you, and everything's going to be ok, but...' The best he could do was to just wade it out, and not set his hopes sky-high.
"I can't say I think it's the best person to be interested in. He's not the nicest person around, you know. And sure, he may be fun and whatnot, but you should be careful."
Athuraadd opened his mouth to speak, but almost immediately closed it again. The words fell flat, stuck in his throat. He mentally mused them over; they weren't worth saying, there was no point.
"You're interested in me. I've been guessing at that for a while now, perhaps not as well as I could, but it was still rather... Obvious."
Athie gave a visible flinch at the last word, ashamed of his previous words, ashamed of his previous actions, but more importantly, ashamed of himself. He'd never been graced with the gift of subtlety, and now it was coming back to bite him hard. He was beginning to realize how dry his mouth felt, but there was nothing to say, nothing that sounded right anyway,
"You seem to find a lot of good things about me, and I definitely am capable of accepting the flattery. But you shouldn't be interested in me, you know. I'm not someone that's going to be able to provide any type of meaningful relationship. Let's assume I shared these feelings, all right?"
Athie swallowed hard, his mind doing the talking for him. But I know you don't, Anton, you don't have to humour me like that. They were cruel, angry thoughts that Athie tried to wish away. Such ideas were unfair to Anton, someone who -in his best interests- was only trying to protect Athie from something he would possibly regret later.
He was desperately trying to keep a calm, collected face, but the fact he was beginning to furiously chew his bottom lip was betraying his facade.
"Perhaps I could be a good traveling partner. That would be an exciting prospect: getting you to live out your dream. I think that would be worthy of a relationship, to be able to let you do what you wanted to. But as for now... I'm not sure if it would be smart."
Athie took a deep inhale through his nose. I'm not a smart person, Anton, what did you expect?
"I don't know if it would be a relationship you would want. But for me, if I were in your position, I wouldn't. I would hate it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm interested in you. I'm simply saying that... I don't want you to find yourself stuck on Midgardborg because of me."
Athie was by this point, looking behind him out the window, doing anything just to avoid Anton's gaze. It was the only thing he could think of to appear like Anton's words were not that big a deal, and Athie was just taking it in his stride, composed, calm, indifferent.
I can do this.
This is nothing.
A few knocks never hurt anyone.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
Better to stay friends.
This is nothing.
This is...
"Maybe," he began suddenly out of nowhere, voice desperately trying to support itself, "-I shouldn't of left home. Gods..." He tried to give a weak smile, "....I can't even go for a drink without needing someone to look after me." He was shaking now with the weight of so many emotions and thoughts flying around in his head, "I thought leaving home would do me some good, give me some confidence. But I-" He looked down at his open palms...did he always sweat this much? Something panged in his stomach, making him heavily flinch once more, the blood draining from his face, "But...you can't change people like me, can you? You can talk big, or act confident, or pretend things you wish were true but..." This was ridiculous, he had to calm down. He bowed his head low, eyes closing once more, giving the tiniest of sniffs, defeated by his own emotions, "What happens now?"
He hated himself for having to dance around Anton's words, not wanting to touch the subject with ten foot bargepole. It felt wrong. It felt unfair. But there was nothing else he could bring himself to do. Even so, he'd already acted like a total idiot up until now, there probably wasn't much more he could do.
Tags: Anton NystromInspiration: this is poooooooo Notes: take a chill pill athie gawd
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Post by Anton Nystrom on Mar 26, 2014 0:25:10 GMT
"Maybe I shouldn't have left home. Gods... I can't even go for a drink without needing someone to look after me." Athie look like he was about to fall over, and there were doubts in Anton's minds. Oh, my. Doubts indeed. "I thought leaving home would do me some good, give me some confidence. But I..." Athie paused for a moment, and that pause was a flurry of emotions. "But... you can't change people like me, can you? You can talk big, or act confident, or pretend things you wish were true, but..." Athie bowed his head, sniffing so quietly. "What happens now?"What happens now? The words started to come out of Anton's mouth before he could control them. He didn't realize he cared this much for this poor little fellow. Was he really this encumbered by his own emotions? Why didn't he mind? How did he deal with this? What was this? No time for questions, only time for speaking. He couldn't do both at once, not when it was this important. Perhaps if he was half-assing it, but not now... Not when he cared. "Change? Oh, no... I don't want you to change." Anton smiled slightly and rested a hand on Athie's shoulder. "I like you, Athie. If you want to change, then go ahead. Do what you want to do and change yourself into whomever you want to become. But for me? You're more than enough."What happens now?That question echoed in Anton's head, and that was most definitely an area of uncertainty for him. What the hell did he do now? Did he push Athie away completely? No, he couldn't do that. He would rather gut himself with a rusty knife. But, still. Athie was hurt, and Anton had no idea how to help. Did he show more affection, or would that be simply more fuel for the wound? Gods, Anton wasn't good with emotions. "I... I have a thing to go to. Tomorrow. It's on the Drakonborg." Anton took a breath and looked up at the ceiling. Some people liked the ground, Anton liked the ceiling. "It's a big stupid party thing, so I have to go to it. And then I might have to go on a mission or something, but I'll come back to Midgardborg soon, okay? And we can have fun. And maybe I can even drag you along for some of my less risky missions, like getting stuff from villages."Anton took a breath and closed his eyes. "I... I don't want to lose you. As a friend. Too many people die these days to lose any more friends than necessary..."That wasn't right. Don't show emotions. Why was he showing emotions? His mind was furious with him, but he couldn't take back what was said. "And I dunno. Maybe... I dunno. Maybe life will happen."Tags: Athuraadd FallonkreathInspiration: WHAT Notes: hahaha this is such a shitty post for how long i took to respond i'm so sorry
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Post by Athuraadd Fallonkreath on Mar 26, 2014 11:51:55 GMT
"Change? Oh, no... I don't want you to change."
Athie involuntarily stiffened at the contact and averted his eyes.
"I like you, Athie. If you want to change, then go ahead. Do what you want to do and change yourself into whomever you want to become. But for me? You're more than enough."
He had to stifle a scoff, but the doubt in himself didn't sway. What was there that Athie could possibly change into anyway? A warrior? A guard? An assassin? You've got to be joking. All unlikely professions for such an unlikely viking.
Perhaps then he meant change in an emotional sense. Become a little wiser, a little braver, a little more...mature. But gods know he hadn't tried so hard already to do so. The point of this whole excursion from the clan had been to gain 'life experience', as his mother had put it. Maybe that had been her affectionate phrasing, because she knew if Athie had any real idea of what 'life experience' really was, her naive son wouldn't have flown the nest.
All these thoughts eventually turned back to Anton's words; 'You're more than enough'. They were good to hear, despite falling on doubtful ears. How could Anton really find Athie worthy of being a friend anyway? The smaller viking was -at the best of times- clueless, cowardly and sometimes too trusting for his own good. He was a far cry from the usual Drakonrhedi stock Anton was probably accustomed to. So why was the Tiro so apt to hold on to their friendship?
"I... I have a thing to go to. Tomorrow. It's on the Drakonborg."
For the first time in a long time, Athie looked directly back at Anton, eyes large and round, although he was unaware he was puppy-dog-eye-ing again.
"It's a big stupid party thing, so I have to go to it. And then I might have to go on a mission or something, but I'll come back to Midgardborg soon, okay? And we can have fun. And maybe I can even drag you along for some of my less risky missions, like getting stuff from villages."
Athie listened to his words, but his gaze flicked away again at Anton's reassurance of his return.
Even if it wasn't soon, I'd still wait.
He noted Anton's use of the phrase 'less risky' and shuffled a little at the mention. He knew in his heart the Drakonrhedi was only looking out for his safety, and even Athie doubted he could handle anything else, but he recalled with bitter recollection that his brothers usually used such terminology in place of saying something was 'boring'. He couldn't allow himself to go with Anton on such a mission and possibly hold him back. Anton had his own goals, and Athie had his, although what these goals were, Athie had no idea.
. "I... I don't want to lose you. As a friend. Too many people die these days to lose any more friends than necessary..."
There was genuine sadness in Anton's tone, the mark of a man who'd gone through great loss in his lifetime. Sure, Athie knew of people who had died and had been greatly saddened by their passing, but luckily it was in his bubbly nature to shake such despair from him reasonably quickly. Nevertheless, he was able to read Anton's expression. He swallowed hard, finding his mouth suddenly dry but manage to utter a few quiet words regardless, "I don't want to lose you either."
"And I dunno. Maybe... I dunno. Maybe life will happen."
Athie bit his lip, not sure how to take Anton's words. Should he give a numb nod in response, remain quiet and just let the words pass over him? Should he fire back at Anton in an uncharacteristically odd show of anger, tell Anton to stop raising his hopes and just let it be?
No. He couldn't do either of those things. It wasn't fair to Anton.
With a sudden realisation that he hadn't actually drawn breath in what felt like forever, Athie opened his mouth and released a suspended bout of air, his muscles instantly relaxing with the newly found oxygen. Senses now somewhat refreshed, he looked back up at Anton, a bright smile seemingly coming from nowhere creasing his lips. It should've been a typically happy Athie-smile, that's what he planned, but he could feel his hands shake and the slightly forced expression betray him.
"It's ok," he said finally, when everything was sort of kind of really not ok, "I don't mind."
Liar. You are such a liar. It's painful how much of a bad liar you are.
His chest felt dead.
"Maybe I can...I dunno, ask the Hrafnung guard if I can stay here, offer to make some meals for them in return for a bed or...something." His voice was crumbling a little, but that smile was determined to stay put, "...I dunno. Just...be me?" He took a large gulp of air, "...I guess."
Tags: Anton NystromInspiration: stupidly active athie muse Notes: the reason your posts take so long is because i give you like nothing good to reply to /bad at life
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